24- Dear God, the freaking out has started!

Let me tell you how I feel.

I haven’t written any stream of consciousness post for a long time. I think I’ll give it a try right now. I’m in that place in time where all I want to do is get it all out. Take emotional laxatives… just release. I wonder why potty is such a great example for everything- I’ve always preferred diarrhea to constipation for some reason. It’s so good knowing that at least that shits not IN me anymore.

In case you haven’t noticed- the bullshit flow has started already.

I don’t know HOW to feel. I don’t feel happy because I’m just so afraid. Getting married for me doesn’t mean responsibility, or compromise or any of that crap- I mean it does, but that’s not what’s freaking me out. What’s really terrifying me is the idea that I’m growing old.

Old people get married, right? Not youngsters like me.

I see married women and all I can think about them is that they’re so colorless, and boring, and typical and so [ok, I’ll be getting repititous here] very old. Even when they laugh and talk and joke around I can’t see them as young- young at heart maybe, but not almost-kids like myself. Regardless of the fact that I’ve graduated, that I have a job now, that I’ve been legally adult for 2 years now, I’m still just a post-teenager. I’m not eligible for marriage, you pervert.

So stop thinking of me in that way.

I see life moving past me, and it’s not the life I planned. Where’s SCAD? Where’s New York, where’s the independent, one room with kitchenette that I wanted for at least some time? I was supposed to do these things before I get married! Who’s f-ing with my schedule?? Is it you, God?

Oh. Well, carry on then. Can’t say anything to you, can I?

Marriage brings along a hubby, another family, eventually a kid or two…so much baggage. So much more people I have to think about. Here I am, not very good at thinking about myself even, you can’t expect me to handle all of them!

And oh dear God…what will I talk about?

What’ll happen when S. realizes I’m so very very boring?

What’ll happen when I realize S is boring-er?

He’s supposed to carry out the conversation! I just add the sarky stupid comments.

I mean, with my emotional capacity not being much more than a teaspoon, and wonderful interpersonal skills, how am I supposed to make this marriage work?

How will I keep this really great guy happy when I’m so rarely happy myself? Ultra high emotional maintenance is not much of a turn on, at least not in a wife. I mean, nobody marries the whiny, crazy bitchy. They just have a short, painful affair, end it by sending a text or moving to Peru, and spend the rest of their life trying to avoid the woman. Until they find her at a wedding, realize she’s STILL hot while wife is all cute and dumply, have another short painful affair, then return to wife and Peru, never showing their face in the country again.

Jeezus.

Will I drive S. out of the country?

It’s so hard. Not knowing how to correctly feel. I can’t decide between elation, fear, sadness, anxiety…so much to fill in a teaspoon.

How can I feel happy thinking about watching football with S. when I remember the time Zehra and I watched the football World Cup to ogle Ballack’s legs? O.k, too graphic. I’m sorry. Stream of consciousness, remember?

I feel like a terminal cancer patient- Astaghfirullah. I keep thinking “My world is ending”.

Why can’t I think “My world is beginning?”

Why am I not made that way?

I’m so scared. Just so so scared. So scared of letting everyone down- my susral when they find out I’m not that bubbly, happy and social girl they thought they were marrying their son off to; my parents when they realize I’m not good at handling relationships and that I haven’t inherited even a shitty thimbleful of their social skills; S when I can’t be consistently supportive and appreciative- I’m just too bloody honest. When he’ll realize he is in a way, just too good for me- and myself, because I can’t keep pretending to be what I’m not. After all I’m supposed to be such an F-ing great actress and I here i am, not even being able to stop using the F-ing F word!

Just because I’m not typing it doesn’t mean I’m not screaming it in my head.

And don’t get me started on how I cuss when I drive.

What if I crash his car? I’ve been harping on about how I can drive so well now, what if I do something stupid like the O-turn?

So many what-ifs. So many questions. I wish I could just stop thinking, just like I’ve stopped talking. I don’t know what to say. I have verbal dyslexia all of a sudden. Sentences just don’t come out straight- because I’m not thinking about the conversation at all.

I’m just thinking about walking to the car and my mom crying her eyes out. That’s all I can think about. Not S., not my brand new tv with cable television, or the clothes. Just walking away from my world as I knew it- and I’m not sure anymore that I’ll be doing it willingly.

That’s all.

Ok. I’m done now..

Thank you and good bye.

I’ll go hide under my bedsheet now and bite off the remaining nails I have.

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Comments
22 Responses to “24- Dear God, the freaking out has started!”
  1. farooqk says:

    oh please, youre just freaking out cause its the ‘in’ thing to freak out! Its S who should be really freaked out! 😀

  2. Minerva says:

    Why can’t I think “My world is beginning?”

    Why am I not made that way?

    Sweetheart, I dont’ know a SINGLE girl who hasn’t had that thought before she was getting married. The vivaciously social, the incredibly perfect marriage-material girls … each and every one of us is shit scared (another potty reference, tehre you go) of taking the big leap and there is no way out of it. There is no way you can go into a marriage thinking, “Oh yeah hey this is going to be a breeze” unless you’re a complete and total moron. People who understand what a big gamble and what a big deal marriage is get to see its pros and cons and see that they have no choice but to freak out. So it’s a fairly normal and fairly constant emotion in this month-before-the-marriage. Even to those of us who’ve known they’re husbands-t0-be for years.

    For the record, I don’t think you have the emotional range of a teaspoon and I don’t think you are going to screw your life up the way you’re imagining it in your head. I hope you know that is all part of the freakingoutness that you’re going through.

    I’m not going to offer you placebos the way some friends do that hey it’s all going to be okay. No, living and adjusting to another person is a tough ride, and in Paki society for the girl it often means giving up a lot of the old hee-hee-haa-haa and things like SCAD and the kitchenette.

    But you’ll have other things to look forward to. There will be things you will love more than SCAD if not as much as it, there will be tales more exciting than living in New York alone and if not the way you planned it then maybe not but there WILL be things that will make you a very very happy lady a couple of days from now.

    PS. Footballers have ugly legs. 😛

  3. Absar says:

    Oh come on!! Stop freaking out! Everyone’s gonna love you! And all of it is going to turn up much much better than you’re thinking it will – okay that’s probably because you’ve got really really low expectations of everything, but whatever 😛 Seriously, stop worrying so much 🙂

  4. pinkkay says:

    thnx Hira, this reminded me to be grateful for my singledom 😀 though i hate the fact that you too are younger than me (like Anu) :/
    umm and in case you want to get rid of this tension (coz some ppl like me actually thrive on it) think of bigger disasters like being struck by a lightening, falling from an airplane, drowning in your bath tub or replacement of S by our incumbent president that should do the trick 😉

  5. that does sound scary 😦

  6. Senilius says:

    Oh come on, relax! S is freaked out the same way, trust me on this. 😉

  7. Humna says:

    if it helps any.. all of us are shit scared of marriage.. okay no, that wouldnt help.

    I think you will do very well, InshAllah. and pfft at old. just tell everyone your parents forced you into being a child bride 😛

  8. says:

    This post makes and and not makes me want to get married. 😐
    But eh, I think I am too young to think for that. Or to advise you on what to do.

    All I’d say it, my best wishes are with you and Inshallah everything will be fine. You will be ( and I am pretty sure you already are ) blessed with the bestestestest suralis, and a super awesome husband. and would inshallah inshallah lead a very happy life.

    Good luck and just take a breather.

    🙂

  9. ibteda says:

    Okay, umm, I shouldnt be saying this, especially since you are freaking out already but – I was not afraid of any of this when I was getting married, despite the fact that my emotional capacity was probably even lesser than the teaspoon. I thought marrying the guy I love would just change my pessimistic, jaded tendencies and make me a happy, bubbling bundle of joy & energy. Didnt happen.
    So when all that you are afraid of started happening, I didnt even know who to blame – BUT the thing is, I’ve been through ‘nothing makes you happy’ phase, I’ve been through, ‘your negativity is totally bringing me down’ phase, I’ve sat silently through a host of guests simply cause I cannot lie and pretent to like them when I dont , all within the first year of marraige, but, the thing is, once married, you automatically begin to rub off the corners that prick & once you both are able to work out the base of thejigsaw, it all just starts falling together effortlessly 🙂
    So, have faith. Even if ANY of all this happens, it woudnt mean it is the end of the world, you’d just get up & move along better.
    Good luck.

  10. Leena S. says:

    that felt like reading something i ‘mite’ have written a month back…u are just scared and thats it. i dont want to be lecturing you but u know how i was before the wedding and if i am fine now, im sure u will be even better insha Allah *hugs*
    And I hope u are inviting me and at least one person who i know (invite farooq plzzzzz)!!

  11. PD says:

    I so see myself the same way in the future.. – but words of solace, calm down. I’m sure every bride freaks out like that because the world we know is going to absolutely change. Have faith.

    You’re in my duas & really wish I could’ve been there for the wedding. You’ll do well inshaAllah & S will be proud of you. Dont worry hun. Lots of hugs. ❤

    PS – Someone has my real-name up there! 😛 Which is cool..

  12. farooqk says:

    @leena
    who says i need an invitation?! 😉

    @hira
    will there be hot chicks at your wedding??

  13. Leena S. says:

    @ farooq
    dude, chicks or no chicks, u have to come!!! 😛

  14. Furhan says:

    drama queen!! you’re alive!!

  15. Senilius says:

    If you get time and the freaking out has reduced to a bearable level, you’re tagged! 😛

  16. Senilius says:

    Just don’t kill me! 😛

  17. Hira S. says:

    Hey people! 😀

    Thanks you guys. Sorry for not replying sooner- things were a bit busy.

    Farooq
    Dude. I’d feel so much better if S WAS freaking out.

    Minerva
    Sigh. thanks M. I needed that. I guess i know that it cant possibly be as bad as i’m imagining it to be. But hey, that means I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

    And Michael Ballack has the best legs :D. And everything else that comes with them. Haye…

    Absar
    My low expectations keep me constantly satisfied with life. So there.

    Pinks
    He he. So true.
    Thanks for the perspective check.

    humaira
    as sara palin would put it: darn it , you betcha.

    SAWJ
    he’s NOT. He’s so, i dunno, happy that i feel guilty I’m getting so het up. I wish he’d act a bit more concerned for MY sake.

    Hamna
    Actually knowing that other people also freaked out does make me feel better. sisterhood of the marriage-phobics, i guess.

    I dunno Leena, inviting Farooq might be a breach of privacy for all my female cousins (who by the way, are pretty hot :P)

  18. Hira S. says:

    qa
    thank you so so so much :D. It means a lot to me. really.

    ibteda

    you know, one of the best things about expecting the worst is that when it does happen, you’re ready for it. Thank you for such an honest comment.
    They say the first year is the roughest. any truth in that? How are things going now?

    PD
    You know babe, i actually HOPE you’ll be in the same state soon 😛
    And i’m pretty sure that despite the freaking out at the idea of marriage, you’ll be very very happy inside. InshaAllah.
    And thank you for remembering me in your prayers. Mwah!!!

  19. PD says:

    Don’t say stuff like that!!! :@@

  20. Minerva says:

    lol @ PD’s response.

    It’s fun to freak people out with marraige 😛

  21. Senilius says:

    Okay, give me his number and I’ll freak him out. 😛

  22. ibteda says:

    Umm…. the first year IS the roughest I guess (and hope 😀 cause it is already behind me) but it is also the most wonderful one – Lol, please keep in mind that the 2nd year is not yet complete when I say this – but the first year is for rubbing off the corners, and finding exactly how you two fit together – in all aspects that is 😛
    And yeah, it is rough, cause you need to adjust – and you feel threatened at every little change cause hey! you’ve set out to preserve your identity, you cant just change, right?
    But at the same time, it is awesome to be together, to have someone who is all yours – and yeah inshaAllah he is gonna be there for life, but the feeling wont be so novel and so refreshingly wonderful as it is just at the start. 🙂

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