November 6th 2005 I fell in love. Truly, madly, deeply for the first time. It was new, and it was secret…or so I thought. Before a month was over though, he, and all his friends knew about it.
On October 5th 2007, I lost my mind. And my self respect. Luckily nobody read my blog then.
On February 8th 2009, I wrote this. And password protected it so that the myth of iron-girl Hira would continue.
On February 15th 2009, a week later, I got engaged to the son of my father’s friend; and saw him for the first time that very day. Chalo, tu nahin, koi aur sahi. Mainu ki farq painda?
I was right. You never forget your first love.
But I was wrong. You do get over him.
Once in your life, maybe twice, you fall in love obsessively, painfully, and self destructively. Times come when you cry yourself to sleep, when you can’t breathe because you haven’t seen them for some time, when his/her approval is all you live for, when his/her disdain makes you hate yourself. Some people are lucky enough to have this obsessive, compulsive, needy love reciprocated. Some, like me, aren’t.
And yes, you actually believe that it’s your fault; that somehow you’re un-loveable. You didn’t deserve him, he was too good for you etc. That phase comes when all the other justifications you carved out for him turn to ashes: he’s just scared of commitment, he’s too focused on his career or studies right now, he’s just got through a messy relationship and isn’t ready, maybe he likes somebody else…
Truth is, he just… didn’t like you. And man, is that truth just too hard to bear.
So for a long time, you go through the motions of existing when in all honesty, you think you stopped breathing when he said he was sorry, but it just won’t work. That painful, self destructive love for him has turned into painful, self destructive hatred of yourself. Because he didn’t love you, nobody can.
And then you write crap about how you can never get over it. How you can’t move on. Dear God, what crap.
Once in your life, maybe twice, you fall in love obsessively, painfully and self destructively. That love…thank the Lord…doesn’t last long. Humans can’t take such profound misery wrapped in longing, for all of eternity. That love burns brightly, but it’s a chemical fire. Whoosh, faster than you can call for help, you’re gone.
But if you survive it, you come out smarter. And you start looking for something that won’t destroy you from inside. That’ll build you up again, that’ll replace what you lost. That love, maybe not as volatile, is what makes existence in this world possible. You won’t be Romeo and Juliet, but who in their right minds would want to be?