November 6th 2005 I fell in love. Truly, madly, deeply for the first time. It was new, and it was secret…or so I thought. Before a month was over though, he, and all his friends knew about it.

On October 5th 2007, I lost my mind. And my self respect. Luckily nobody read my blog then.

On February 8th 2009, I wrote this. And password protected it so that the myth of iron-girl Hira would continue.

On February 15th 2009, a week later, I got engaged to the son of my father’s friend; and saw him for the first time that very day. Chalo, tu nahin, koi aur sahi.  Mainu ki farq painda?

I was right. You never forget your first love.

But I was wrong. You do get over him.

Once in your life, maybe twice, you fall in love obsessively, painfully, and self destructively. Times come when you cry yourself to sleep, when you can’t breathe because you haven’t seen them for some time, when his/her approval is all you live for, when his/her disdain makes you hate yourself. Some people are lucky enough to have this obsessive, compulsive, needy love reciprocated. Some, like me, aren’t.

And yes, you actually believe that it’s your fault; that somehow you’re un-loveable. You didn’t deserve him, he was too good for you etc. That phase comes when all the other justifications you carved out for him turn to ashes: he’s just scared of commitment, he’s too focused on his career or studies right now, he’s just got through a messy relationship and isn’t ready, maybe he likes somebody else…

Truth is, he just… didn’t like you. And man, is that truth just too hard to bear.

So for a long time, you go through the motions of existing when in all honesty, you think you stopped breathing when he said he was sorry, but it just won’t work. That painful, self destructive love for him has turned into painful, self destructive hatred of yourself. Because he didn’t love you, nobody can.

And then you write crap about how you can never get over it. How you can’t move on. Dear God, what crap.

Once in your life, maybe twice, you fall in love obsessively, painfully and self destructively. That love…thank the Lord…doesn’t last long. Humans can’t take such profound misery wrapped in longing, for all of eternity. That love burns brightly, but it’s a chemical fire. Whoosh, faster than you can call for help, you’re gone.

But if you survive it, you come out smarter. And you start looking for something that won’t destroy you from inside. That’ll build you up again, that’ll replace what you lost. That love, maybe not as volatile, is what makes existence in this world possible. You won’t be Romeo and Juliet, but who in their right minds would want to be?

12 Responses to “64”
  1. farooqk says:

    aha! youre not too sane after all!! 😛

  2. H says:

    I really wish i could read the passworded entry..

    You are right about the never being able to forget the first love.. i was 17 when i fell for someone.. and at 25, though there were people who were interested and were perhaps way better than him in personality, compatability, interests and their care and love and regard for me (looks never mattered and only became any clearer much much later) i just couldnt feel.. and i cant feel now.. its like i am incapable of falling in love again.

    And perhaps it was the age.. perhaps it was the fact that the heart was too open and trusting and accepting and there werent any walls back then.. dont really know what the reason is, but it doesnt seem likely that i can fall in love again.

    so if the ‘twice’ part becomes true for you.. do let me know.

  3. MAK says:

    I don’t know y but i think girls are easy to be tricked…..most of the guys i know are never serious in there relationship then y are girls….this always puzzles me.

    Nice to hear u got over it

  4. Phoolan Devi says:

    Those brief periods of infatuation (and insanity) are normal only as long as they are brief because after sometime they become destructive. Two things are worth noting though: first, girls pretending to be tough are pretty much otherwise. Being someone you are not, only to gain someone’s approval shows how weak and insecure you aren a defining characteristic of teenagers. Second, girls pretending to be smarter are, again, otherwise. If they do happen to go head-over-heels for a guy and cannot manage to keep it a secret (yet another sign of weakness) then they will end up making a laughing stock out of themselves.
    So you fell for a guy 4 years ago and got over him 2 years later. And 2 years further down the road, you are getting married. Since they both happened to you four years apart, I would like to see what made you fall for each one. BTW, is your husband-to-be reading your blog? That would be very interesting.
    @MAK: That is so true. I dont think i would ever come a across a boy wanting to gouge the eyes of the girl who ditched him or …………….

  5. you’re absolutely right – you dont forget, but eventually you do get over it.

  6. Hira S. says:

    He knew i liked him, but he never tricked me. he never ‘pretended’ for my sake that i was anything more than a casual acquaintance. he enjoyed it though, the s.o.b.
    and you know, guys get hurt just as easily. it depends on how sincere you are with somebody. many guy friends of mine were the ones tricked by the opposite sex. funny thing was, they all had one thing in common. they were rich 😀

    I’ve removed the password…it’s open to everybody now. even farooq :P.
    And you know, i wrote this because i wanted to tell people that you do heal. you just have to give someone, someone who seems to really care about you, a try at least. it won’t be the same, but there’s always a chance it’ll be better.

    a) I fell for a guy 4 years ago. But didn’t get over him until a few months into my engagement. That’s not something i expect you to understand.
    b) I’m confused. Assuming one is weak inside, should they make it obvious they are weak? How is that reasonable?
    c) And assuming one likes somebody, should they die with the secret? i TOLD him i liked him. How is that weakness?
    e) There’s a different between pretending to be smart, and knowing you’re smart and knowing that smart people can be stupid at times. Secondly, and i cannot stress this enough we are human. it is natural to make mistakes. . who are you to judge anybody?
    f) never knew why i fell in love with the CC. But I do know why i love my husband to be (who knows everything about me). Instead of breaking me apart, S. put me back together.
    and lastly, that’s true. no guy would guage out the eyes of a girl who ditched him. He’d just hatchet her or throw acid on her face :D. Sigh. Men are funny animals.

    yeah, but it’s good you don’t forget. it makes you appreciate the real deal.

  7. Phoolan Devi says:

    a) I can understand that. You are not the only one who has been through the teen years.
    b) Its OK to be week. Everybody is. But you need not pretend to be an “iron-girl”. Being someone you are not only makes you look stupid.
    c) You told him you liked him? And you still want to know how this is weak? My sisters are still in high school and I know that even boys today are not as desperate. I am sorry sister, but I think you got carried away by your emotions. Secondly, carrying a secret requires a lot of effort. But then there was no secret to keep in the first place as CC was not the only one aware of your feelings.
    e) For some reason you missed out “d” in your numbering. Now this is new. Was this a mistake? You never mentioned this in your post. And I agree that people make mistakes. I did too (a different one though) and so did a lot of people I know.
    f) I find this a little difficult to believe. As a casual reader of your blog I don’t think your husband-to-be (is that what you mean by S.?) has been reading your blog. I know a lot of bloggers who keep their spouses out of their blogging business. Is that the case with you too?
    “Men are funny animals” Wouldn’t disagree there.
    Since you are the eye-gouging kind, I believe your husband would be acid throwing, girl friend beating maniac. Just kidding.
    All in all, if your husband-to-be has managed to put you back together, then nothing beats that and you should thank your lucky stars that someone was there to take you out of that mess you initially thought was love.

  8. H says:

    I think it takes more courage to tell someone you have liked for a long time that you do and face the worse, i-e rejection.. than it takes to keep it an easy enough secret.

    Desperate? 🙂 please.. carried away by emotions? 🙂 in todays time and day to feel is a big thing.. and if that feeling can make you do something, like tell a boy you like him, cz hell, you sincerely honestly do! Than nothing better than that.. Beats not feeling at all any given day.

    And showing weaknesses, voluntarily, is something i would imagine a strong person would do..

  9. H says:

    & Hira.. really really glad to know that S is someone you could eventually love.. and still kinda do 🙂

  10. Hira S. says:

    Thanks H.

    It means a lot, really 😀

  11. Shak says:

    I truly believe that you don’t need to have been hurt to love, just as you don’t need to jump off a cliff to know it’s a bad thing to do. Perhaps it makes the learning process easier? Perhaps there’s no way of really knowing either way.

    Secondly, it’s post-relationship feelings like these (some unfairly call it baggage), sometimes lasting for years if not indefinitely, which raises alarm bells in potential potentials. Yes, the latter is probably insecure but in this sense you can’t really blame someone for wanting to avoid hooking up with another who has such a powerful history, especially (or perhaps not) if they don’t have a history of their own.

    Congratulations btw. From what little I’ve read your father’s friend’s son is a very fortunate bloke; as was the first guy in your story.

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