Questions

I ask myself a lot of questions every day. Starting with “why in heaven’s name do I have to get up at 6:30 if my university starts at 9?” and “why is the water so cold in the morning?” and “what should I wear today?” and “Bijli tau nahi gaee hui?” to “Will tomorrow be as boring/ catastrophic/ wonderful/ surreal as today was?” and ‘what if I die tonight?” I ask myself hundreds of questions without bothering to wait for an answer. Most of the time I know the answer, some of the time I don’t and actually want to find out, and once in a while I don’t know the answer and would prefer nobody gave it to me either. It’s fun to have conversations with yourself, but sometimes I wish I’d actually get past the small talk.

I’ve always thought people in the sub-continent were very cavalier about their relationships; in a way, they act much more irresponsibly than people in the West. In a society where marriage is a one-strike-you’re-out game, it’s ridiculous how most of us are willing to leave it to our parents to decide our life partners for us. Most of us includes yours truly, because I am sure that despite all my objections and pseudo-liberalpana, I’m going to end up hitched to the guy my parents pick out for me. I don’t have a problem with their taste- it’s infinitely better than mine; but how can they be so sure that economic, physical and age compatibility(or what they consider compatibility) would also lead to emotional compatibility as well? What if the spark never comes? What if their very intelligent decision leads to a lifetime of dissatisfaction, regret, or what is worse, boredom? What if I meet my soul mate* after I’m married to Mr. Ok- nice-to-know-you? What if Mr. Ok- nice- to- know-you turns out to be Mr. Shut-the-hell-up-bitch?

So today I asked myself these questions, and interspersed between the ‘what ifs’ were the ‘why?’s . “Why am I getting ready for another round of this bull?”, “Why does my mother keep trying?” and “Why am I being forced to wear a bright color? What’s wrong with the white shalwar I was wearing? It was clean!” and “Why is this guy leaving such an important choice to his parents? Because he can’t find a girl? Because his parents won’t approve of it? Because he thinks no girl is worth him? Because he doesn’t care?”

In which case I’d shake his hand. I suffer from all four-if you reverse the genders.

Pakistanis pride themselves on their family system, and really it’s a good one- to an extent. And before people get the wrong idea about my own background: my grandparents didn’t screw up with my parents (shukar) but considering that both my mother and father are the youngest, my gramps (both sides) had already practiced on their older offpring, and Heaven knows, did they muck up with them…

This is the rest of my life my parents are dealing with- my life, this random guy’s and our children’s. Should I let them make the most crucial decision of our lives just for the satisfaction of saying “It’s your fault” when something goes wrong?

Note:

* This post is written on the romantic assumption that soul mates do exist. If you take away that one hypothesis, then arranged marriages would undoubtedly be a sensible method of getting hitched.

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Comments
76 Responses to “Questions”
  1. minerva says:

    Soulmates don’t exist.

    Sorry 😀

  2. SAWJ says:

    Dude, just get married. If you believe in soulmates, I’m farigh. 😛

    BTW, you have been tagged.

  3. Hira S. says:

    yeah, thats what i thought.

    and sorry SAWJ, you’ve already been hired as the gay best friend.

  4. SAWJ says:

    I wasn’t even eligible for the job. I don’t fulfill the requirement of being gay.

  5. Usama says:

    Hello, there. Good blog you’ve got. Keep it up yaar. I’m that “Blue Boy’s” cousin. Please follow my blog too. I’m 13 years old, 4.8 feet tall and still growing…(I hope so!) blog: http://www.usamalali.blogspot.com

  6. Hira S. says:

    so? make yourself eligible. I hired you. I’m your boss. You have to do what I say.

  7. Pinky says:

    *sighhhhhhh*
    i always console myself that at least God will reward me for obeying my parents n not giving them much headache…
    in fact there was no alternative (assuming marriage is a must)..coz the nutcase that i am, i fell in love twice a day every day 😉
    n Hira.. with parent’s decision, chances of success do not improve but the fear of failure is considerably reduced..*cough*

  8. Okay, I understand the ‘Obey your Parents’ part, but what I don’t agree is with marrying someone just *because* of your Parents.

    You need to like the guy, there needs to be chemistry, compatibility, etc etc etc. All that stuff. Do not, and I repeat *do not* marry someone blindly.

    I don’t like the Paki system. Especially the one which goes trough aunties. It’s messy and gives me a heart-attack each time. And so, alhamdulilah to a certain extent I’m exempted from it because I live abroad. 😀

    Soul-Mates exist. Allah has created mates for us from among us. 😛

    PS- If you are giving it out, may I get the password for the post?

  9. Rashid says:

    hira a good post I must say. So would you like to share the answers?

    Bhai Iqbal said:

    Karo tum raham ahl-e-zamin par
    Khuda hoga mehbarnan Arsh-e-Bareen par

    As long as you are good with others and treat them nice, Allah will never let you down.If you are not good in dealing with others then you should not expect something good either.I am not some religious guy neither a noble person but I always tried not to hurt others and always tried to be honest with others. Allah blessed me with such a wonderful partner that even I thank Allah every moment then still it’s not sufficient. Having a good partner is like a gift of Allah and having a bad partner is…. 🙂

    p.s: Hira I know you hate me a lot but I really wish you a happy life. trust my words. 🙂

    p.p.s: Minerva soul mates exist. I read your post. Be thankful you are marrying a guy of your choice. What else do you need? 🙂

  10. Rashid says:

    Purple I gotta agree with you because I myself chose my life partner but it does not mean one wastes entire life to get the ideal person. Offcourse my case was not as romantic as “Dil walay Dulhanya ley jaye gey” because it requires a lot of efforts from both side to make things happen. The worst condition is when one of the parties hesitate to face challenges. I am quite fortunate that I didn’t face situations like my few friends who were left all alone in the middle of the road by their so called life partners(I call them bi*tches). Atleast mujhko un becharo ko tarha rona nahi para baad me sab ki samnay. Allah bachai mujhe gharoor say. 🙂

  11. Anas Imtiaz says:

    First thing, how do you wake up at 6:30? That’s really important to know thse days 😀

    Anyway, its soo much better for guys 🙂 My parents have categorically said, if you want to marry someone (and if she does too obviously) just tell us…if u dont find one then obviously we’ll have to come for rescue

    and SAWJ…job le lo … economy not good, and wese bhi ur unemployed .. oh sorry, u were 😛

  12. Leena S. says:

    i am getting married to someone who was pretty much chosen by my parents, they were tired of my excuses. As purple has mentioned, it is important to like the guy and be compatible with him, but I had hardly talked to him before my engagement. Even now, we dont talk very regularly and even wen we do, we think a million times before saying anything to each other. You might remember one of my posts where I said that I dont want to get married for a wrong reason like pressure from parents but I finally did just that…but, i am still optimistic. I still think soul-mates do exist.

  13. Don’t get me wrong people, I don’t have anything against the Parent system, just that it has to have its limits.

    For eg. If there is some guy my Parents want me to see, then I’m okay with that, but the rest is up to me. I don’t agree with the pressure or the force, know the rights Allah gave you ladies! 😛 [And use them ;)]

    Also, Parent system doesn’t always work. Why? Firstly, you meet someone for a few hours and I know people are at their best behaviour in these few hours, especially if they’re out impress.

    You don’t know the past or all the crap they’ve done earlier.

    In fact I know a few couples who the guys outright lied to them about stuff like clubbing. Which in my opinion is the suck.

  14. Woah Woah Woah! You make up at 6:30?!!! How the Hell do you do that?!

    And I aint reading all these comments!

  15. SAWJ says:

    @Hira: How about the gay boyfriend? 😛

    @Anas: Tu Pakistan to aa, batata hoon tujhay! 😛

  16. farooqk says:

    Soulmates do exist!!

  17. Rashid says:

    Leena: girls of our society usually get surrendered infront of parents. You did not surprise me at all 🙂

    if your istakhara is positive or neutral then don’t take tension.Allah will take care of your life. Best of luck!

    to kab dhol baj raha hay??

    I hope you are not going to break some poor soul’s heart 😛

    aisa to common hay hamaray haan.. kion safi?

    purple, haqiqat ye he k chori kharboza par gira ya kharboza chori par.. shamat kharboza k ati hay.. here Kharboza is a guy..baqi aqalmand k liye ishara kafi hay 😛

  18. Pinky says:

    err hate to break this to u, but this is HIRA’s blog actually…u dont have to take pains n answer everyone 😉

    N DONT CALL ME DINKY

  19. Tazeen says:

    oh soul mates do exist.

    Just don’t expect to get married to your soul mate, it could be a girl friend or the gay best friend who is your soul mate … having everything in one man is just not possible, the sooner women realise that, the better …

  20. Leena S. says:

    @ Rashid
    oh well, yes, i did istakhara and i didnt get a clear answer cuz it had to be decided amongst 2-3 rishtas…i just felt good about this guy. Alhamdulillah he hasnt turned out to be a monster as yet 😛 and I have firm belief in Allah (SWT), thats why i said that I still like to think that soul-mates do exist. Although, as Tazeen said, I very well know that no one is perfect and it would be just stupid of me to expect my fiance to be exactly how i would want him to be.
    Thanks btw…aur dhol most probably nai bajein gey cuz i am not having any mehndis and all (my first small victory as safi would like to call it) 🙂

  21. Rashid says:

    leenaS, by dhol bajay I mean k when is the “Big Day”? 🙂

  22. Rashid says:

    pinky or dinky whatever, when did I call you dinky? and if this is hira’s blog tu tumhe kio khujli horahi hey?

  23. Rashid says:

    here is a serious question after having two replies. Both hira and Karachiwali admit that women easily surrender to family/society pressure. If they are so weak then why girls want to be loved or why do they go for commitment at first place? Do such girls ever think how the guys suffer later? who give them rights to see dreams if they don’t have courage to deal with it? sorry for lingo but I call such women as Bi*ches. I know not all women are same, my wife is one of the example who supported me till the end but it’s also true that most of women do screw other guys. I know you girls are so _touchy_ about women but what about those poor guys? what punishment should be given to those b*itches? I know Allah will punish them anyway to break promises but the society could help to get rid of such women…and obviously guys too? Anyone care to answer?

  24. Hira S says:

    @ Rashid
    Nop. i said i don’t have answers, and i don’t like soul searching. Last ti me i did that i realised i didn’t have a soul.
    And FYI- there are plenty of guys that do the same thing. Get a girl to fall in love with them, and then walk out of the commitment saying “My parents won’t approve.” I personally know three guys who’ve done that.
    When will you accept the fact that both genders are equally rotten?

    @Tazeen
    Welcome to my blog!
    And yeah…i know. It’s silly wishing everything in one person- but one characteristic is enough. I should love him. And you know the litmus test of loving someone: If you don’t gag at the idea of using his toothbrush you’re in love 😀

    @ Purple and Leena
    Don’t worry baby. I won’t succumb. When the danger gets really strong I’ll just hop on the first flight i can afford

  25. Hira S says:

    @Anas and Safi
    Easy. I have an alarm clock.

    (And you’re the engineers here?!)

    and SAWJ- what use would a gay boyfriend be to me?

  26. Rashid says:

    hira, if you read carefully, I blamed both. I am not anti-Woman and you should know it. If you can be “partially” inclined towards women then why can’t me or other women?

    the question was, is this something which is acceptable?

  27. SAWJ says:

    Okay, remove the word “gay”.

  28. karachiwali says:

    @ Rashid
    did i say i was searching for my soul mate? i am not talking about other girls here. it is not that only girls surrender in front of their parents and boys dont. It is not a gender issue. I am not a feminist and I am not here to start or participate in a man vs woman debate. So please keep me away from that.
    as for me, i wasnt ‘searching’ for a soul mate. u might not know this cuz u arent a regular at my blog but instead of thinking of marriage, i was planning my PhD. I still have the admission in hand which I can utilize. It was my parents’ wish that they wanted to see me married and settled down and as i am not personally against the institution of marriage, i decided to get married. Obviously I never wanted to get married to a stranger but I did not want to put up a fight for someone who I havent even met…and by that I mean someone who I might have thought of as my soul mate. So, I have now put my trust in Allah (SWT) and have decided to go with my parents’ decision/choice watever u want to call it. Its not a gender issue, i know a lot of men too who didnt want to get married at that particular point in time (not cuz of some other woman) but they eventually did for their parents.

  29. Hira S. says:

    sudhar jao ali. Or you might find some girl actually takes your flirting seriously. Then what will you do?

    @Rashid
    Nothing rotten is acceptable. Killing someone is wrong, as is stealing something as is breaking someone’s heart. You can’t get rid of murderers in a society, or thieves, or heart-breakers. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people. Society can’t really put a stop to anything.

  30. Pinky says:

    Rashid is actually confusing two different categories..
    A.girls who get attached to boy(s) n later back off fearing hostile reaction from parents
    B.girls who dont hunt for their spouses themselves n delegate this task to their parents (“surrender”)

    so while the ones in category B might be called meek or weak, they are definitely not B*t*h*s..

  31. Hira S. says:

    true.
    and category b doesn’t necessarily have to be meek or weak. They could just be people who don’t really care that much, or who haven’t found anyone compatible or worth taking a stand for.

  32. SAWJ says:

    Or you might find some girl actually takes your flirting seriously. Then what will you do?

    Ballay Ballay! 😛

  33. Rashid says:

    Pinky smart na bano, I am not confused at all. I am quite clear what I said and I also know the difference between two.

    It’s quite obvious that I was talking about category “a”.

    @karachiwali: when did I say you were searching for your soul-mate? I didn’t even visit your blog. My comment was based on what you said here:

    “dont want to get married for a wrong reason like pressure from parents but I finally did just that…”

    Is it not self-explanatory? that was a general question so don’t take it personally. The question which was directed to you was about your big event yani aap ki shadi kab hay!!

    @hira: Well said! I personally believe that such people should be treated similarly. How?I also don’t have a solution.Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why such people don’t have fear of God.

    p.s: respectable ladies! don’t take offence.I didn’t commit a sin if I was being biased towards guys. It is a fact, may be a bitter one that girls are more dependant than guys hence they gotta bow before family anyway.

    ek cup chai miley gi? 🙂

  34. Rashid says:

    ab tu safi bhe bachanay nahi ataa. lagta hay wo darna laga hay tum logo se 😦

  35. SAWJ says:

    Guys, stop the disturbance. I’m trying to flirt here. 😉

  36. Hira S. says:

    *throws kolapuri chappal at SAWJ*
    “you’re the sort of gaming a-holes that rashid is talking about!”

  37. Pinky says:

    HA HAhAA HAAAhAAhAA
    ab meray pait main dard ho raha hai..boht achha hoa hai
    err high five hira???

  38. karachiwali says:

    @ Rashid
    well its in sep or oct but u did mention me in the other comment too. yea, where is safi! waise safi would understand wat i said 😀

    @ Pinky
    I belong to category B, do u think I am weak and meek? 😛

  39. OOOh k, Rashid: Dude! keep me outta this, I dont have the brain or the energy it go into any sort of intelligible discussion.

    @Hira: Dude! We are engineers! Thus we are poor! Thus no alarm clock! Ok, no, I just bought a $750 iPhone so I m literally broke… So I cant afford a alarm clock!

    What the Hell man! I dont need one, mornings are for losers! I wake up around 2! Ahhh the life!

    @SAWJ: Oy Ghade! Absar ke glass main paani pi liya hai kia?!

    @KW: Atta Girl! Man do I hate dhols or what! I hate every damn tradition that happens in weddings! Dhol? Are we on a warpath> seriously? Is it that obvious so early on? Hehe khair.

    Now Pinky: I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO MINUTES AND LOOK WHAT YOU DO!!!!
    Hehe.

    Ok Now: the topic: What? Women being dependent? What happened to the feminist crap? Hehehe, Ok Seriously… When it comes to parents, we all ultimately do what we are told, does nt make a difference if you are a boy or a girl. Maybe because we consider our parents to be that ever present safety net around us, thus their decisions and thoughts are taken as our fall back plan. But that is what everyone is saying here, that we are our parents (some what) and in the end their decision and opinion maters the most to us.

    As for the category A girls Pinky/Dinky mentioned, although I hate the Cat A girls, I dont blame them. Cat B are justified in their own right, hell they are justified allround. But there are problems with both philosophies, And they are not to blame. Cuz our shitty society is that way. We get turn into heretics if we think for ourselves and get turned into the favorite evening tea conversations for Adherh umer women who got nothing better nor fun nor exciting in their lives other than to plan the destruction of the lives of those who do (have something better, fun and exciting to do in life).

    And finally, me being an engineer, if you can find one, make one, and I m not talking about gadgets. The thing is, our probability of finding our soul-mate in our lifetime in this earth of more than six billion are PRETTY slim. Hell we might even meet our soulmate and just plainly ignore em. There was a comment here that I read earlier (Tazeen was it?) that I completely agree with. Well in the end the goal is to be happy and lead a full life, soul mate or not. And that is up to us whether we really WANT to be happy or not.

  40. Pinky says:

    NOT AT ALL…i was just trying to tone things down a bit.from b*t*h*s n stuff, u know 😉 while negotiating, u dont take radically different position from opposition_pinky plato
    i also belong to this category…n i am a cheeti too

  41. WHo the heck are you talking to?

  42. Pinky says:

    leena…
    i m mad at u for siding with hIM..aaj dua bhi nahin karun ge

  43. Come on! I m NOT siding with him.
    What did I say to be labeled that?!

  44. Pinky says:

    dinky 😉

  45. Oh yaar! Comon I have earned the right to make fun of you!

  46. Pinky says:

    yeah well i was joking too 😛
    where is hira n where is this lamer sawj?

  47. I m not there parent! How should I know! I even doubt that even their parents know where they are!

  48. Neeno says:

    i believe in soulmates. like hell. i knw thy exist. im js not sure about MY soulmate. and as much as it breaks the heart i think im after all marrying a mr.good-for-nothing who can only see people who’re wearing *bright colors!
    *sigh
    thanks for making me sad hiru!

  49. Neeno says:

    n i wonder why theres a weird monster’s icon next to ma name! (maybe its an omen!)

  50. Pinky says:

    50 😀

  51. aarushi says:

    lol, soul-mates do exist but marriage is for fools, go for a live-in… if you get bored you can always walk out…ok, I said that assuming we were living in a western society, but hey you might be going to SCAD, right? * says that with an evil grin* 😉

  52. Neeno says:

    who wants to live-in with a guy unless there’s a force locking u into it.. liek the nikah-nama..esp considering theres a ‘one-in-the-whole-world’s-poppulation’ chance that he’s mister Right, i mean honestly. thanks but no thanks man.

    p.s.it helps seein another monster:P

  53. SAWJ says:

    @Pinky and Hira:

    Dhoondnay per bhi na mil paayein ge hum
    Tarpo ki buhat jab chalay jaayein ge hum
    😛

    Add another lame ass shair to my shairi.

  54. Rashid says:

    @karachiwali, chalo mobarak ho boht. tu chuwary butt gai hain ya sept/oct me milna ka chance hay? 🙂

    I am not invited but ..pochne may kia harj hay :>

  55. MAK says:

    u have to make up ur mind…will it be u selecting or will it be ur parents…if later then get rid of all what if’s and why…there is every chance its gona ruin ur life.

  56. Leena says:

    @ pinky
    i am not siding with Rashid at least. I just said I am in category B but dont consider myself weak or meek. I am completely on your side…especially if its against Rashid 😛

    @ Safi
    lol @ if u cant find one, make one. we cant make soul mates. we just need to realize that no one is perfect….and so are the people we have to live with.

    @ Rashid
    thanks. ill send over chwareys to you…as u know urself, i wont invite you

  57. Pinky says:

    @SAWJ
    baaz aa jao larkay,boht maar khao gay
    taang tu tootay ge he, daanton se bhi jao gay

    @leena
    *hugs*

  58. Oh you of course cant construct one, but you can make almost any person to like you for what you are and make yourself like them for what they are. Is nt that the definition of a soul mate?

    I have this theory (its turning into a law very soon)… inside each person there is a subset of all qualities your can think of (I usually applied this to shugaalpaan, but lately I find it applicable to every other thing.), all you need to do is tap into that quality and allow it to surface. I have found that the most uptight and serious looking people cant be turned into complete buffoons if you can bring out there self restricted shugaal side and break the chains off it. But for that you yourself need to be motivated enough to be that catalyst for change. Otherwise its futile.

  59. Rashid says:

    wah sain wah!tamam khawateen anti-Rashid hogayee! 🙂

    Ab Rashid agar Aaina[mirror] dekha raha hay aur kisi ko apni shakal us me badsoorat lag rahi hey tu qasoor na Rashid ka hay aur na Ainay ka.

    @Safi: Feminism is actually a “civilized” term for Lesbianism and they are not worthy enough to be mentioned therefore I didn’t mention feminists here.

  60. Rashid says:

    karachiwali invite karne kay liya bara dil chahye hota hay. 🙂

  61. Dude what does anything has to do with Feminism here? And I have no idea how Lesbianism fits in!!!

    I must have gone completely dumb or something!

  62. Rashid says:

    @safi:Both are anti-men.enough said.

  63. Leena S. says:

    @ Rashid
    bara dil? ill have a small wedding insha Allah, i am not inviting anyone who aint part of my family or part of the small group of people i call friends. u dont fit in either. i am not going to waste my parents money by asking them to invite 1000 people

  64. @Rashid: Dude I cant find anything anti men in this post.

    @KW: Good for you Lady! If I had my way (which I probably wont) I ll have my nikah at a mosque (when the sun is up) and just maybe a small function (only to shut everybody’s mouth up.) at home inviting only 50 60 people from each side, and no one I dont personally know.

    But thats just me. Hell if I had my way I d probably have no ceremony or anything.

    I HATE WEDDINGS!!!

  65. Rashid says:

    “Ok Now: the topic: What? Women being dependent? What happened to the feminist crap? Hehehe”

    Safi, I replied the above. I didn’t say any girl here is feminist.

    @karachi: don’t take it seriously..I was just kidding. Why on earth I would expect someone on net invite me? take it easy! 🙂

    @safi: Nikah at Masjid is quite good MashaAllah. A good move.

  66. I d have it in a court, but I dont trust the lawyers and the judges anymore! Hehe… as for mullahs, I dont trust them blindly either, but I have no other choice.

  67. Rashid says:

    just got this in a forward mail.Though I don’t pay attention on fwd emails but these are some good lessons which could be helpful for you.

    🙂

  68. Rashid says:

    hira mera comment approve karo!

  69. Rashid says:

    Hira, happy Valentine’s Day 🙂

  70. Rashid says:

    is it?

  71. Rashid says:

    a new research. 🙂

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090213/ap_on_sc/sci_romance_unraveled

    In gadho ko research grants kon deta hay??????????

  72. Fools and dumbasses!!! And yes, Its Cheezy! I already have a bad taste in my mouth, Dont make me puke!

  73. Pinky says:

    where are you Hira? everything OK na?

  74. Hira S says:

    more than ok, as you will find out in my next post 😀

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