I am Dexter’s mum?

Some days you just know will be strange. Like today. Usually when I look in the mirror first thing in the morning I think “damn, my nose didn’t get smaller” but today I happened to glance at my ears first  and realized the most terrifying thing : the color of my earrings are exactly the same as the nail polish on the fingers of Dexter’s mother. And the hand that was frozen in ice. Coincidence, you say? I think not! It’s a sign…some weird sign which means something that I’m not spiritual enough to guess. And considering its Dexter, I’m expecting the worst.

Since yesterday my life’s been getting surrealler. I’ve been trying to detox myself- my skin’s been a bit snakish aaj kal and I’ve zeroed  my tea and coffee intake, and now rely on oranges to provide myself with the right amount of liquid; and to be honest, I feel great. Less awake, less caffeinated- thus I pass my days in this hazy, Californian-type daze with this feeling of intense self-satisfaction at being able to cut a habit completely from my life. Khaer whatever: this is the story- Saturday (yesterday) was nani day, and nani- not content with having just her six daughters, their husbands and the 30 odd children in our family over, decided to invite her niece from America and her recently married daughter and damaad too. Now obviously, when you’ve invited celebrities like a newly-wedded couple to your home for the first time (at least in the guy’s case), you’ve got to go all out: lunch, then after-lunch tea, then evening tea, then dinner, then after dinner tea, and then paan. And because I’m the eldest non-married girl in the family, guess who got to do most of the work?

There really is some benefit of getting hitched after all. My married cousins,  along with my khalas and nani are part of the elite club called the  Gossip-Force now, and have a permanent “Get out of work free” card.

Anyway, the tension, intense physical labor, and overall feeling of retardedpan caused me to overdose on caffeine in all its available forms and by nightfall I was high on insomnia (which basically means me, in my bed, imagining I’m on American Idol). By the semi finals I had managed to fall asleep.

And then…the dreams came.

I now know how Dali came up with his paintings.

38 Responses to “I am Dexter’s mum?”
  1. safiullahhussaini says:

    Hahaha… You dont know how to delegate!!!!

    Man I m the eldest bachelor in my family to… if I m given a large task I simply delegate to various minions of mine!!!

  2. SAWJ says:

    Gee, I drink six to seven cups of tea everyday. And still I go to sleep easily. Can’t figure out why.

    And I have a suggestion: Get married!

    Let me know if you plan to. 😛

  3. Pinky says:

    yeah well its as ghisa pitta as it gets but i have a solution package…
    if u are assigned cooking, add salt to sweet dishes n sugar to karahi qormas…chutki bhar will do the trick..
    if u are assigned dish washing, try to break at least one piece in every session (Caution: make sure that utensil is not expensive & has no sentimental value,,i broke a goblet of my mother’s jahaiz set & well my back still aches)…
    n never respond on first call (we are not orderlies, right?) ur mom (or nano) will eventually tire of screaming at top of her lungs n will send someone else( if u r located, tell them u were busy on a phone call n never heard them)…
    n if are good on acting then feign stomach ache n start walking with a bent,,then curl up on a sofa with rhythmic “ayye oyi haye mar gayi”….
    i have tried all these on various occasions but cant share the err outcomes 😉

  4. Saad Ibrahim says:

    You are evil Pinky 😛

  5. Pinky says:

    yeah but not more than the ppl who get Me engaged in child labour 😀

  6. karachiwali says:

    lol @ Pinky’s suggestion. i have tried quite a few of them, they hardly ever worked for me. i usually end up working for everyone!

    as for your skin being snake like these days, its the weather drying up everything. juices are definitely the best option and cutting down on sugar in ur tea/coffee would be helpful too.

  7. karachiwali says:

    As for getting married….please dont disappoint us! Dont give up like I did, you have to make us all proud 😉 And if you do give up, we already have a deal 😀

  8. Hira S. says:

    lol@ khiwali. i won’t give up without a fight in any case. And sadly pinky, each of your suggestions will have the sort of repercussions i can’t afford (endless lectures, rants, angry sermons by my mother, 5 khalas, and one nani, followed by endless ‘training’ sessions).

    and Safi, delegating tasks would be a great idea if the tasks would end up getting done! Those runts are two times pinky when it comes to causing serious screw ups (with apologies to pinky :P)

    i remember a time i could too…pata nahi kiya ho gaya he. Last night i dreamt of singing and dancing nuns.

  9. Pinky says:

    *forced smile* anytime..thats why we puchbags exist
    *humming to herself* Dost dost na raha, pyaar pyaar naa raha…Zindagi hamein tera, aitbaar na raha *sniff*

  10. safiullahhussaini says:

    And lady…. you are to good to be Dexter’s anybody!!! innocent and naive! I would have said Goodie Tooshoo, but then you ‘d blast me for it! hehe

  11. Hira S. says:

    *shock* safi, these are compliments…has your soul been taken over?

    aww pinky, i’m sorry! but the last thing i’d call you is a punchbag 😉

  12. safiullahhussaini says:


  13. safiullahhussaini says:

    And another password protected Post!!!!! Man this fever is getting around! I hope I dont catch it!

  14. karachiwali says:

    @ safi
    u get to read the password protected posts…wats worrying you

  15. minerva says:

    Hira.. why is SAWJ interested in what you decide about getting married? I smell trouble. *grin*

    And you need to find someone worthy of you to get hitched. I think the rest of the strength to deal with him follows suit.

  16. SAWJ says:

    @minerva: Tum kyun jal rahi ho? If you weren’t getting married, you would have been getting similar comments from me. 😉

  17. Hira S. says:

    oh SAWJ is interested in every girl getting hitched. i think he’s looking forward to the free food.

    Sometimes i think he’ll need strength to deal with me.

  18. Hira S. says:

    not SAWJ!! the other guy!!! SHIT THAT CAME OUT WRONG.

  19. minerva says:

    SAWJ, are you seriously telling me you’re the kinda guy who hits on anything female and moving? The only thing that wards you off is an engagement ring??? Seriously??

    Hira … what other guy?!!? Deets!!!!

  20. safiullahhussaini says:

    Ooooook, This post is getting wierd, Like the Stepford Wives thingy….

    Or should I call it just the Stepford chicks, cuz none of you are wives…. yet, although some you are engaged…

  21. safiullahhussaini says:

    And SAWJ hits on everything female. period.

    Moving, stationary, animate, inanimate… whats the difference!

  22. Hira S. says:

    thank you safi. i’ve been officially insulted.

    and it ALL came out wrong, minerva. forget everything i said.

  23. safiullahhussaini says:


  24. SAWJ says:

    Ek to life kara raha hoon aur nakhray hain ke khatam hi nahin ho rahay sab ke.

    I once hit on Safi…he hit me back with his Basanti.

  25. minerva says:

    aww, babe, don’t worry about it. i just want to know the guyy…… *wiggles eyebrows*

  26. safiullahhussaini says:

    Damn…. I miss that blue devil full of adenaline!

    Yaar as soon as you sat in the driving seat, You were immediately transformed into a bully…. And I loved being the bully… Just chipping paint off other people’s cars with my chrome hard steel bumpers, and when they really deserved it, Giving it all in….

  27. safiullahhussaini says:

    *Dreams on*

  28. SAWJ says:

    @Safi: Why are the chicks calling each other ‘babe’?

    And damn right, old cars like yours are a hell of a ride. Man, I still remember my grandfather’s 35 year old Datsun. Even though there was play in the steering and all, the way it sailed smoothly was so awesome! And the growls it gave, aahhhhh!!!

  29. safiullahhussaini says:

    Dude…. Mine could wheel spin smoke out of its tires!!!

  30. safiullahhussaini says:


    Oh and SAWJ is not even stopped by the force field of an engagement ring!!! (I forgot to mention that!) so watch out ladies!

    I mean engagements are a temporary obstacle, right? They can be easily broken… or better, the guy can have a road accident, with a faulty datsun, I mean brakes fail all the time!

  31. safiullahhussaini says:

    So lady…. all you assumptions about us are wrong.

    1. We do NOT (hit on everything (female && moving));

    2. We are NOT warded off by engagement rings;

    (Those of you with a computer science degree will understand… Oh wait these are nt any! One chick is a psychologist and the other is worse! a Damn artist!

  32. karachiwali says:

    where is this discussion going!

  33. Hira S. says:

    i’ve given up wondering where the discussions will end up.

  34. safiullahhussaini says:

    Hahahah…. Control Discussions or the discussions will control you!

    Thats the modification of a tech company’s slogan. Hehe

    Khair I m saying a lot of stupid things these days so please dont mind ’em. I head is numb and I just feeling freezing life and take a breath. How I wish I could go into cryogenic stasis and wake up twenty years from now… But hey I dont want to get old in top gear as did Mel Gibson’s character in Forever Young!

  35. SAWJ says:

    Smoke out of the tires? Shit man, I never tried that. And don’t talk about what stops me and what doesn’t. And don’t go into that cryogenic whatever. When you wake up, the world will be twenty years ahead, muslims would be twenty years behind and you’ll have nowhere to go.

  36. safiullahhussaini says:

    Man, when I decided that I had to change my tires, I started to wear out my existing ones through a series of drifts and smoking elevens.That was fun esp on a rear wheel drive. I ki9nda broke my clutch in the process. but it was worth every rupee! And man that car was so economical, even the biggest repairs used to cost only a few hundred rupees, and the things were so damn reliable. Man I miss that car!

    Ok… how about a time machine! Yaar I just loved the concept of a car that could travel in time!!! I m gonna watch the three movies back to back (again) tonight!

    Aar charye PNEC ka har banda hi itna khuwaar hota tha!!! Bhool gaey! 3.5 year inti khuwaari ki hai to yehi hona tha! Hehe Man I ll NEVER miss those days! Good riddance

  37. SAWJ says:

    Man you were lucky. You had the car to yourself. Right now, I can only speed in my grandfather’s Margalla, no drifting or shughal in it. And does it have a pick up or what! And its on petrol. I remember jab us ka silencer phatta hua tha, zindagi ke achhe din! I hold myself responsible for every little creak the car makes now. 😀

    Man, I can’t forget those PNEC days. Solely responsible for ruining my life. If I didn’t have friends, I’d have been dead long ago out of sheer boredom and frustration. Is there anyone who remembers PNEC with fondness?

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