Big Foot in an alternate universe

Nothing makes me happier than watching the hot person die at the end of a movie, other than having her/him die in the beginning. Beautiful people scare me. If they talk to me I wonder what their hidden, stuck-up, pain-in-the-ass agenda is; if they ignore me I know it’s because they’re stuck-up-pains-in-the-ass anyway. Nothing is more frustrating than feeling flattered at an ounce of attention while letting my brain dissolve like limopani in coldwater when they smile; and I absolutely loathe the look of abject vapidity that comes to my face while I calculate how proportional their nose is with regard to the rest of their face. Deep down inside me a little Gertrude Stein-ish voice sings “A stud is a dud is a dud is a stud is a dud is a dud is a dud” but I’m just not listening. This rhyme will probably continue forever with blood and mud and flood and crud (I’m sure that’s a word) but I’m too dumb to notice that none of these words are pleasant, and that good-looking men are the bane of civil society!!!!

So in the end we come to the conclusion that an asshole called by any other name will still remain an asshole. Hence proved.

Why this rant against all people Jude Law-esque and Brangeline? Simple. My nani’s totkays for becoming ‘fair and lovely’ by slopping everything in the fridge on my face are driving me insane and I hate having to give up my daily cheese sandwich to avoid the mortification of fitting into a size medium t shirt when “according to my height” I should be a size small. Fat people are happy people. They’re non conformists at heart; in fact they’re society’s true rebels. We should follow their lead rather than those famine stricken, size zero (zero’s not even a number!) stick figures we call models.

Honestly, why should I strive for super human beauty when I know the average man is sub humanly ugly? And why is all the stress primarily on women? Is it because we’re more accepting of the opposite gender’s physical faults than they are of ours? or to be honest, of we are of ourselves. We women hate ourselves so much that we go through inconcievable self torture (bread and water is what Britons used to call jail, and we call a diet) to become something no man is asking for; a doll, or a porn star.

Finding a guy is the last reason I should look beautiful. I should look beautiful because I respect myself too much to look like yesterday’s leftover meal. I should look beautiful because i sure as hell am, regardless of my wonky nose, dark circles that resemble war trenches, and ugly hands.

In fact from now on, I refuse to conform to society’s disgusting standards of beauty. I will not rub balai n honey on my face, it makes me sneeze. I will not stop myself from eating the last brownie; damn it, I made it so I’ll eat it! It’s my brownie, mine! And I will not let people degrade me because I’m dark, or a size 6 and not 0, and a shrimpy 5’ 2″. In some alternate universe Bigfoot might resemble George Clooney.

6 Responses to “Big Foot in an alternate universe”
  1. Absar Shah says:

    Ah, you’re on the -esque way too! 😉

    Well, I don’t really understand why people have a problem with looking good. I mean, yeah, sure it’s superficial, and yeah looks fade, and hell yeah no one should be put through torture to look good. But what the hell is wrong with wanting to dress well, look good? But when you speak about beauty, it’s like everything else – some people have it, some people don’t. That’s just how the Universe operates.

    And hey, women are not more accepting of the opposite gender’s physical faults – sadly 😛

  2. Hira S. says:

    Are you kidding? You should see the boyfriends of some of my friends!
    By the way, thanks for the -esque :D. Makes me feel french and chic.
    I don’t have a problem with beauty, and you’re right, some people have it, some people don’t… My problem is with preconcieved notions of what is beautiful. If one was told to take pride in one’s appearance it would be perfectly alright, we on the other hand are taught to hate what we originally look like and strive for what is the ‘usual’ idea of beauty. Hence the fairness creams and diet plans.

  3. Saadat says:

    Although I agree with you that size zero “models” should have a health check and put under intensive care of doctors, I would also like to humbly correct: zero is a number. An even number.

    Oh, and crud is a word as well. (I love the world wide web!)

    As for beauty, I’ve always noted while reading Ibn-e-Safi’s Imran Series, that whenever he would describe a character as attractive he would use the words “good looking and healthy“.

    We just focus on the good looking part. Or at least, that’s what the current state of the world would have us focus on.

  4. Hira S. says:

    i loved the Imran series. especially when he killed flies with his ‘bandooq’

  5. purpledrifter says:

    This cracked me up:

    and I absolutely loathe the look of abject vapidity that comes to my face while I calculate how proportional their nose is with regard to the rest of their face.


    Anyway, good post, I love the way your write! I spy talent with my little eye, mashallah.

    Regarding beauty, I feel there is a difference in being healthy and taking care to look good and going to the extreme of well, starving yourself! I don’t agree with women becoming anorexic OR Obese, the middle way is the right way!

  6. Hira S. says:

    aww thank you purple!
    i’m a ranter though, not a writer. my stories end up in the middle of nowhere without a map :S

    and that’s exactly what i mean. Looking good comes when you respect the way you look. If you love your face, your body (even when you’re big boned, or not naturally stick thin) and your complexion, you will look great.

    I have a friend who’s not typically good-looking at all, but she’s convinced everyone she’s the hottest thing since microwaved pizza just by carrying herself right.

    IN the end, it’s all about loving who you are just the way God made you.

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