Guilt can’t be washed off with a shower, can it?
‘Not in this world’, says Majaz.
So I’ll have to live with it, stuck on my skin like tar til it finally decides to rub itself off, if ever. Unbelievable cruelty with what I believe were the best of intentions, I can be thoughtless in my need to be thoughtful towards everyone. But why did I put the dead over the living today? Why did I forget that the dead don’t cry?
Only the world’s greatest sadist would have someone write the obituary of their own best friend. And I’m worse, I had Komal write the last words for a boy she considered her little brother, all because I wanted to do ‘justice’ to Mairaj. Because he deserves better than empty words written by someone who never knew him. But I forgot that Mairaj probably doesn’t want my justice, he probably just wants his sister to stop crying for him. And today. I can’t wash off today with tears. I can’t wash off today with an apology. But I’ll still try, in one stupidly selfish effort to be clean again.
I’m sorry Mairaj, and I’m so sorry Komal. If possible, please forgive me, if only out of pity, because I know I can never really forgive myself.