Future Dictator speaking

So I’m back. My system hasn’t adjusted to the night-day schedule and thus I’ve become a platelet-intolerant vampire. And in addition to this time confusion, my body is being extremely lazy in conditioning itself to the heat. I melt. Literally. Like the wicked witch of the west. Dorothy was a monster… melting is an awful way to kill someone.

Now, I’ve lived here for 10 years…you would think melting is something I”d get used to. But no, my body is an idiot.

When you stay in one country and especially one city for a long time, you lose all sense of perspective. I used to think Pakistan is on its way forward, it’s getting better and one day it’ll pull itself out of the perpetual bog it prefers to live in. But I don’t believe that anymore. Optimism is fine; it beats cynicism by a mile anyhow. However at some point we should start questioning ourselves. What’s progress? Are we heading towards progress or at another tangent? And if we know we’re going in the wrong direction, why can’t we just stop, look around and head the right way?

One of the drawbacks of globalization, and an open media is we can’t make original mistakes. everything’s been done before by some country or the other and the media’s already covered it so extensively you can find crappily irrelevant details like what Dictator X had for breakfast the day of the coup. One can find newspapers from the 1920’s on internet archives, there are documents detailing the secret actions of governments, books which can teach you the political history of Antigua; the entire world, and it’s past is open to us…and yet we persist in repeating our idiocies.

So this is my idea: instead of Pakistan Studies, World History and Political Science should be made compulsory from 6th grade to Intermediate.

And idea 2 is even simpler. Benevolent fascism.

I’ll take over this country on my 35th birthday and install only truly competent people as cabinet members. Yes I k now, competent people are hard to find, but there are plenty of rocks in Pakistan. I’ll just turn over a few of the bigger ones.

First step: The police will be part of the city government, not provincial or federal. Strict cleaning up of the force will ensue; physical as well as moral; increasing salaries, giving health benefits might help create a more capable group of men. They have complete right to enforce laws violently if necessary. I’m thinking breaking motorcyclists’ headlights if they don’t stop at the zebra crossings and remain there til the light turns green again. Fascism, remember? Beat up one asshole, or lock him up for a week or two and the rest will follow. Giuliani did the same and look at Manhattan now.

Second step: Take the public transport out of the hands of Pathans. Or if they wish to keep it, enforce strict limitations. Stick to the bus stops. No loading unloading of passengers on the roads. No passengers allowed sitting on the roof and the speed limit 65 km per hour. Bus driver should have at least completed high school. And no bus more than 4 years old.

Third step: If you’ve become prime minister once, you CANNOT run again. And you have to have spent at least 20 years of your life in the country before you can run for Assembly.

Fourth step: Privatize everything. And I mean everything. Telephone services, mills, food, transport. The less things given in the hands of civilians after I step down from the seat of benevolent dictator, the better. I’m sorry; I don’t trust my fellow Pakistanis to not do something stupid.

Fifth step: Repeal the constitution. It has no respect anyway. And what with the amount of amendments it’s gone through, we don’t even know what’s what anymore.

Sixth step: in a one night raid, collect all mullahs and send them on an educational trip to Saudi Arabia (if they can keep the Sharif family they can keep these pests as well.)

Seventh step: electric fence FATA. Let’s be honest, we don’t need them. They keep up their craziness during my tenure and I might nuke the lot.

Eighth step: NAB was a great idea run by the wrong people. Hire men and women with integrity this time. Keyword: hire.

Ninth step: Have young people in my cabinet. Sometimes experience isn’t the answer. The older we get, the less likely we are to take action.

Tenth step: Exchange Students policy. Twenty best Political Science students will be given scholarships to study at prestigious universities of the West (signing a pact that they WILL return to Pakistan). Similarly students from abroad can study the political system or non system here and give suggestions. This might help train future generations in law making and administration.

Anywho. That’s what I’d do first two months of dictatorship. Democracy is fine if voters use more than 0.99% of their brains and the candidates aren’t drunk on their own incompetence, but for Pakistan; where the law of the jungle looks tame, one needs a system tougher than empty promises and Zardari.

5 Responses to “Future Dictator speaking”
  1. Majaz says:

    I was wrong.

    THIS is your best post yet.

    Happy Independence Day, Miss Prime Minister.

    You’ve got my vote.

  2. Hira S. says:

    thanks! i knew i could count on your support.

    and i’m very serious about this. there’s way too much wrong with this country. we better start taking action immediately.

  3. BeKn|GhTeD says:

    interesting thoughts, some very relevant but r u really serious when you say that you are serious?
    A. You will NEVER be prime minister because you don’t have teh requisite kameengi in you which one must possess to appeal to the common man. The common, btw, is so kameena that he cannot relate to anything but utter and shameless kameengi. Can you manage that? Didn’t thin so.
    B. There is absolutely nothing that can be done to fix the mentality, the flawed genetic composition of the people of pakistan except for eradicating them from the face of the planet all together by letting one of them nukes go off right here. Can you manage that? Didn’t think so.
    But the post itself was a good read. Keep it up!

  4. Hira S. says:


    but i WANT to be PM.

  5. Majaz says:

    Don’t listen to him.

    You just lemme know when it’s time for the highly democratic elections again.

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