Blog #3: mild chit chat
My PC is dying. It’s overburdened with downloaded crap from all over the world. Typing two words takes twenty minutes; I can’t open Word, and my browser at the same time…the media player has committed suicide and woe betide the person who accidentally tries to watch a movie on the dvd player/ burner that we all chipped in to buy but which I can’t use at all. My brother has destroyed his own desktop and is now after mine; and I really can’t threaten him with anything. I tried the whole “you leave my desktop alone or else…!” bit but it sounded so flimsy even I didn’t take it seriously. Hani just laughed (an evil diabolical laughter, right out of Pashto films). If only I was 4 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier…
This blog of mine is way too much me-oriented. Since I know that barely anyone will read it I’ll use it as sort of an online journal. Don’t expect intelligent commentary on the political situation of Pakistan here. If that’s what you want, then you’re welcome to my house for tea, pakoray and intellectual bakwas anytime. If you’re lucky I might be able to dig up a samosa or two. But here it’s just me, what I’m thinking, who I’m thinking about and how I feel (and I feel nothing for the politico-economic situation of my country…how callous of me). I so rarely get to talk about how I feel in real life (and by real, I mean my offline life) that I need something to vent to. My diary isn’t safe, since my sister is the world’s biggest bloodhound of gossip.
You would think that I’d be able to be honest here. Say frankly that I’m a deeply insecure, attention craving, pretentious mess. Well, I did it. There it is. Even Shabih knows I pretend most of the time, and to be honest I have to. Whenever I try to be myself I end up getting hurt. You show someone your vulnerable side and the first thing they’ll do is prick you with a fork.
There are two approaches people take when it comes to their personal faults; they can try to hide them or deny them, or they can flaunt them openly. Trying to hide one’s faults makes other people more curious about them; flaunting them gives people an open ticket to hurt you. Of course you could be the rare type that has no personality defects, but then I guess everybody else will just loathe your very being. In such a case I’d suggest cultivating kleptomaniac tendencies; it’s the most profitable vice.
The more I let somebody in, the more he/she is likely to screw me over. That’s why I don’t let people know how I feel anymore.
Why the hell am I putting this stuff online?